A beginning..

I figured with the fallout from the Election that the holidays were going to be difficult. Hell, in some ways I am still processing an event from a month ago. I think that’s because I am surrounded by a sea of red and I feel like such a small blue dot.

I figured that the holiday was going to be difficult.

And I was right. It was fine for awhile at Thanksgiving. I knew myself and them enough to go ahead and drink before I got there. Not a lot, just a little to take the edge off. It was fine. We went through most of dinner, were sitting around and talking. Then my uncle, with a shit-eating grin on his face, brought up the election and directed toward me the question “Who did you vote for?”  In that moment, I could feel walls close in. My mother, the helpful woman she is, said in this particular tone of voice she has, I mean I can’t even describe how it is… it’s just very her. She said, “She voted for a loser.”

Two painful things. I don’t talk about it, but the first word stabs me every time. I deal, but goddamn it is painful to hear. I swear it is like nails on a chalkboard. And I can’t talk about it. I can’t live it. Especially now. Have you looked out into the world? As much as I want to live my truth that this old, white dude tells me about I don’t know what that is. I don’t know if I have ever known what that is.  I have spent years being every thing that everyone else has wanted. I know it isn’t healthy, but it was safe.

I’m worried. I worry about a lot of different things and sometimes it feels like my brain may explode from all of the things crashing into one another at any given time. I am worried about the world in this post-election time. I also worry what this is going to do to the family I was born into. I am a black sheep compared to the majority of my family, in more than one way. I have spent so much of my life being quiet and keeping my opinions to myself that it is physically painful to listen to the things they say and having the inability to actually speak up. I keep seeing things on Facebook, Twitter, literally any social media platform that is advocating for people to speak up and to speak out. I want to do those things, but there is a fear. There is a fear of safety and security.  

It is possible in the year 2016 that if you live your truth, you can still lose it all.  Do I want to live this way? No, I never have. However, it started out of necessity and since then, it has gotten a life of its own. Yes, I can make choices. We all can. None of us are on the same page though, we don’t have cookie-cutter lives. Previous experience may have told you that it is good and right to be honest and tell your truth. Mine has not. If you look and finally realize just how screwed your world view is, it can be very daunting to attempt to change it for the better. Just like with everything we are doing in this post-election world, I can only do it a step at a time. Three forward, two back.

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