Introvert?

When you finally hear someone else acknowledge what you have a general disposition that is more quiet and introverted, and that’s not going to remarkably change it gives this sense of relief. A giant weight can be lifted just a little, because someone else sees that it’s something that I can’t change. I can work to change a lot, but that isn’t something that is going to change.

I don’t know if the majority of people actually know me.  I have big ideas, loud opinions, and strong convictions. People know this to a degree. Some people even think I am this loud, crass extrovert. I am anything but that. I learned to fake it. I don’t do well in extroverted settings for long periods of time. Once I establish in a group and I feel safe and in control of myself, I can be more of an ambivert.

I am not that person on a daily basis though. I like the quiet and doing things one-on-one. It’s why I am good at what I do. Things can get hectic and nonstop, but when I am not being pulled in multiple directions and I can focus on things one by one… I am fine. I’m lost in how to explain that, because the way I think and explain, seems to either be lost or forgotten. So I don’t stand up and I do my best to continue what I have done for years. I adapt to what others need and ignore my own.

At this point, I am not sure who I am. I am just what everyone else wants me to be. That’s what I’ve been doing all my life up to this point. It’s getting hard. It’s not working like it used to. I’m adapting, but I feel like I am getting pulled in multiple directions that have no purpose. So, I’m really not sure who I am or who I am not. I think I am starting to see who I am not, when I finally accept that there are parts of me that are not fitting at all.

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