I’m told it takes courage to allow or create change. I rolled my eyes at the concept of courage and me, which lead to a discussion of where the word courage comes from. I swear, I see such an odd human every week in therapy. Cor, from Latin meaning heart. He brought it up to try and make a point to me, but it’s kind of lost on me at the moment. Yea, I try to not have one of those things called a heart. Because if I have one, then I have feelings and those aren’t fun.
“If you are trying to deny feelings, you have lots of feelings.” It is less a fear about having feelings, but it’s a fear of expressing them. Who can handle what is in my head? If they can’t handle those feelings I have, they will leave. So, I have to keep these feelings hidden so that people don’t leave. Anger is a safe feeling. It keeps the other feelings hidden and can push people away. Anger can be used to redirect people to something else, so they ignore the things I don’t want them to see.
Exposing feelings to other people, even if I feel safe with them, is painful to me. I grew up learning that feelings were bad and they needed to be hidden. I learned how to hide them early on. Because of that, I don’t always trust the emotions that show up. It’s not very often that I am basically standing in a emotion and know that it is true. The only times I have really trusted those emotions, it’s been a feeling that is completely different than anything else. It feels so oddly clear.
I have spent so much of my life hidden, that I don’t know how to be open. It’s not something that we are really taught. Most people think that someone is teaching us how to play the game of life, but let’s be real here… most of us didn’t get that rule book.