Who has the control?

“You’re a good kid.”

 

This phrase was brought up in therapy the other day. We had been talking about inner child things and it really took me by surprise. Instantly I started racking my brain to try and figure out if I had heard that before. My brain completely went out to the races on trying to find that phrase in a prior engagement.

 

I couldn’t find it.

 

I don’t know what to do with that phrase. It kind of has mind skipping around over and over. I’m trying to differentiate between myself and everyone else. But the problem I’m having is, I can’t put the pause button on that phrase. I want to find somewhere where it was said to me and it was honest. I’m trying to notice the damned emotions, I’m trying to name the damned emotions, but I am having so much difficulty being non-judgmental about the emotions.

 

I wanted to be me. I wanted to be a good kid, but to be that good kid I wasn’t allowed to be me.  So I wasn’t the good kid, at least not in my head. I can’t remember ever feeling like I was a good kid.  That feeling has followed me into adulthood. I’m screwed up from it. I’m going to admit that. I should have been taking care of this years and years ago, but I didn’t have the ability and I wasn’t ready to face it.
So now I’m facing it and it feels like there is an adult part of me and a child part of me. It feels like an all out war internally. I’m not sure who has more control at this point.

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