I am slowly working on the process of attempting to slow my mind down when it gets triggered into a memory years ago. I used to think how my mind would send me back was just normal, it was just “Oh this event X reminds me of something similar like Y.” I used to think of it in terms of how whenever I hear Blue Christmas sung by Elvis, I remember helping my grandmother decorate and make candy. So I thought that how my mind would send me back to bad things as well was just like that.
Well, I was wrong.
I started going to therapy at the end of March, beginning of April. At the end of June I had asked, jokingly at first, my old white dude what he thought my diagnosis was so far. Major Depressive Disorder, recurrent Moderate. That was to be expected. Wasn’t even the least bit surprised there. Then he tells me another. I wasn’t expecting it at all, in any way, shape, or form. My old white dude tells me that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’m like, “Wait, what?.” See, we hear about soldiers and people in war zones having PTSD. People with big traumatic events get PTSD, so how can I have it? That’s just how my brain took in that information. So he started explaining why. In theory it makes sense to me, but there are days when I think he has to be the crazy one.
It still doesn’t feel like what I have going on in my brain fits. I know it’s kind of screwed up of me to sit here and be like, “I don’t deserve that” cause nobody deserves to have it. I just don’t feel like nothing bad enough happened to me. However, after listening to the old white dude tell me that mine is compounded over a large portion of my life.. I can look at it a bit differently.
It honestly boggles my mind when I stop and think about it. The more I think about it, the more sense my old white dude makes. At the same time, it sometimes really screws with me. I’m trying to find balance and acceptance within my own mind. It’s not going too well, but I am trying. I blame the upcoming holidays for most of my current brain fog.