Three Forward, Two Back

It honestly feels like the adult part of me is currently sitting outside of a closet door while the child part of me is locked inside. The adult part wants to try and get the little one out, but that little one is determined to stay in.

 

Damn, this stuff makes me sound crazier than I am.

 

Nevertheless, it’s pretty accurate at the moment. My little guy is upset and how he deals with that is completely withdrawing and refusing to acknowledge the world. It has been an ongoing battle since last week for a couple reasons, but the adult in me was able to navigate it eventually. Yesterday though,  after a meeting he went running in and he won’t come out at all.

 

It’s been very hard for me to normalize my weekly therapy trips. I have a routine where 95% of my appointments are right after work on Thursdays. I tend to take the same route to get to the office. I had to do that when I started or I wasn’t going to be able to get myself to go. I just had to make it a habit so that my brain just came to expect it. Another way that I have normalized it is I talk about some of it. I know people that see this same old white dude, hell one of them recommended him to me.  So, we end up talking about it. Especially when we find out we have somehow ended up with the same damned homework assignment for that week.

 

…apparently this can make others uncomfortable? Which really confused me, because we have never talked about the all out details of our appointments out loud. I am not an open book at all, that has never been my style. Talking about some parts conversationally, including making people laugh that I can remember their appointments, was normalizing for me. It was just like it was any other topic one person might talk about.

 

This is apparently bad and is oversharing. It is bad for boundaries.

 

Which okay, I can get it but only half way. It was mainly two of us, sometimes a couple of the others who also see this old white dude, and it was rarely with others. We would just talk sometimes because isn’t that what you do with people  you trust?

 

So, now my little guy hears this and he practically runs backwards, grabbing things along the way, and throwing himself into this closet. Jeez, writing this out makes me think I’m crazier but the old white dude has explained it’s fine. Maybe he’s crazy, but anyway… so I have this little guy and he’s upset and so very angry. This stupid interaction, even though the adult here is differentiating that this is something on the others, is reinforcing that the little one can only expect bad from other people. He can’t trust, because trust hurts him in the end.
I have no idea how to fix this right now. I feel like I’m slipping backwards and losing traction. I’m so tired of three steps forward, two steps back.

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