Holidays. I hate them. I actually hate then quite a lot. They are immensely difficult and are when I end up policed the most by my family. As much of the family as possible in one location never bodes well for me. Some of them police me a lot less, but others keep stepping up their game the more I don’t fit into what they want. Every single year, no matter how I try, it becomes the same damned thing. I want to be myself and by the end I’m biting my tongue and counting the minutes until it would be acceptable for me to leave.
So I brought this up with my old white dude yesterday. Because I find myself regressing during the holiday season. We’ve talked about the little kid, but yesterday was the first time that we mentioned the teenager. I still think I’m crazy talking like this, but the old white dude says it is perfectly normal. He asked me who basically takes over when I regress mentally during the holidays. It’s 14 year old me, who isn’t a safe person.
The old white dude, he wants me to try an experiment. This is normal with us. So, the experiment is not jumping to alternative actions right away. Since that’s what people normally do. They recognize that this stuff isn’t working so they are just jumping past and trying to find new things. Apparently the first step we are all missing is where we are supposed to be stopping and honoring the internal part of ourselves. Honoring those experiences and then moving forward.
He wonders what it would mean and what could happen if I would be able to honor the 14 year old in me. That’s scary. I remember what 14 was. I try to keep those years boxed far, far away. I have a lot of damned good reasons to do that and so looking into those boxes kind of terrifies me.
How does one try and keep oneself in control when the holidays come around? It’s not like I have supportive family or relatives. Yes, there is chosen family… but at the same time, this isn’t even something I would ever want to burden them with. I’m always afraid that I’m too much for people anyway. Baby steps and all.
I don’t know how these holidays are going to go. Next time I see the old white dude will be like the second week of January. It is going to be an interesting bit of time. I’m not looking forward this at all. My homework is to number one stay safe. That’s enough of a challenge with holidays and family. Number two, is to apparently work with this 14 year old self to see if I can honor him and listen to him. I’m so unsure how this is going to go.
“The longer you fight the dragon, the more likely you are to become one.”