Holidays are done in survival mode. Every single time, it becomes survival mode. Physically, I am sitting here and alright following family time. Mentally, I’m kind of screwed in a few ways. I’ve been spending the last couple days trying to do the work that I have been working on with the old white dude. His recommendation was to sit down with someone I trust and who understands what I’m trying to work on and kind of get back where I need to be. It’s hard for me to do that though, because it makes me feel crazy enough some days just talking about it with the dude. I don’t want it to be like I am crazier than I already think I am. I’m just thankful that my therapist continues to tell me that I’m not.
So I managed dealing with family. Mind you, I was checking out as much as possible. It ebbed and flowed a bit. It wasn’t great. One part of the night was my one cousin’s kid being sassy. What do we expect, she’s headed into teenage years. Sassy is fine, sassy is normal. My cousin just rolled her eyes at the kid, but mother added in that it just gets worse with a side-eye towards me. Yea, it does get worse and then someone ends up in therapy.
I do my best to roll with the punches and try to not let anything my mother and the rest of my family get in and under me. I’m still not good enough and I probably never will be. All of their discomfort over the years has created a hell of a lot of shame in me. I picked up habits that are awful and unhealthy, just to avoid the harshness of reality. I have spent a majority of my life being completely ashamed of myself. I don’t know what it is like to not fight an inner battle with myself. Every day was like waking up and putting on armour so that I could even leave my bed. I did it though and hilariously as I have found out these years later, nobody really knew anything was going on with me. Some people at school knew something was going on, others did know or thought that maybe I had been harming myself, but no matter what nothing happened to help me. I was able to fake it so well and kept my grades up, that nobody seemed to think anything was wrong at all. It was the easiest way to stay alive. Pretend nothing is wrong and move along with your day.
I still catch myself doing it and I’ve noticed myself really regressing into that survival mode. Walls go up, smile goes on, and everyone else gets shut out. It goes back to not trusting people and it’s me against the world. I’m not in a place where I can’t shut out others opinions. I can’t just tell them to go pound sand, which I now have in my head due to the old white dude. I still have all the shit I collected during adolescence bouncing around in my head. I haven’t been able to shake it off and even think about what it means to be an actual adult. I’m an adult, but my mother still has a lot of control over me. Not in the sense that she decides my every move, but she does have an ability to get in my head and really mess things up. She is an excellent manipulator and uses guilt to the best of her advantages. And I am never going to be good enough for her. Since she still can get into my head, the rest of my family follows through and creates more havoc.
I physically survived the holidays. I just don’t know how long it is going to take to recharge from it. I don’t know how long it is going to take to get the ‘grown-up’ back in charge. Hopefully sooner rather than later, because I cannot handle another spiral down right now. I won’t come out unscathed.