My homework for these two weeks without therapy is to stay safe and try to honor the teenager in my head, but not letting him take control.
Well, I’m pretty sure the second half of my homework is currently going to hell. I feel myself completely losing what control I had and now I have this teenager running the show in my head. The way the old white dude described it is that simply put, the inner teenager manages to get control over the adult body and shut off reasonable thinking. Like the aliens from War of the Worlds, they have these giant machines causing all sorts of hell but internally the aliens aren’t very big at all.
Some days I wonder what I would be like if I would have been in more accepting circumstances when I was younger. I wish I wouldn’t do that, but I wonder who I would have become if I didn’t spend most days growing up in survival mode. Could I have been more comfortable with myself? In accepting circumstances, would I have transitioned by now?
The old white dude had told me that when I found myself losing control over the teenager to sit down with someone I trust who understands the work I’m doing, which is my friend who also sees this same dude, and see what we can do to get the grown-up back in control. So, I bit the bullet and brought it up with them. I hate asking for help, so that alone is a big step for me. Now, we will see what we can do to try and get adult me in charge. It’s going to be an interesting task.
I would much rather just delve back into destructive behaviours, because that’s easy and I can just check out of this reality. It’s what I’ve done in the past and it is just so simple for me. Here I am though, trying to put in the damned work and not do that. If I am honest, I am not doing very well at it right now. To make it worse, I have to visit my one grandmother and that’s going to set me off. Like, I know it is going to trigger a chain reaction and make things awful… but I am not getting much of a choice in the matter. I haven’t seen her in awhile and I do need to see her, but when I’m already losing control it’s not a good idea to add more family onto me. However, this is probably going to be the only time I have to go down and see her… damnit.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my grandmother. She’s difficult and can be very, very critical though. I know this going in, so hopefully I can get the walls up and let things roll off backwards. Because I know if I don’t, then I am going to be in a very difficult and awful position. If I end up in that position, then I’m afraid that the final level of my safety plan will have to go into effect. I really hate that final piece because I feel bad needing it. Final piece is calling for the old white dude. I’ve done it before and he’s done a phone call with me, but it makes me feel awful if I get to that point. It really makes me feel as though I am a burden and therefore need to just suck it up. I also just hate calling for that part because I’ve been screwed over on it before because people apparently had not gotten the memo of how things are to work. Seriously, explaining to your old white dude how people screwed up and didn’t listen and watching him keep a straight face when you know he’s unhappy is certainly a sight to see.
I honestly am at a loss of what to do. I want to be able to give the inner teenager some space to be heard and not have someone trying to change them. On the other hand, I want to be able to shove him back into the box I keep him in because he creates so much damned havoc in my head.