“Don’t be afraid that it won’t be perfect. The only thing to be afraid of is that it won’t be.”
A spoken line during the song “Being Alive” from ‘Company,’ which as I get older I realize is a song that really holds me together in some ways. Sure, I found my better half pretty young to most people’s standards. I had a one and done, and it wasn’t on purpose. This song though, holds my teenager together while giving a sly nod towards the grown-up on some days. It’s not completely happy and it’s not completely unhappy.
It helps me remember some days that I do have a spouse who loves me and will give me support for being alive. Together we can survive this whole being alive thing in this world. It might be hard and there are days that I just want to block everything out and be alone. But I know that my spouse is going to be there, because for some reason they love me utterly and completely. Even when I know that, there are days where I don’t believe I deserve to have someone who will crowd me with love or force me to care.
Growing up, I watched kids around me dating and finding their place in the small parts of the world we were inhabiting before we ran off into the bigger ocean. I didn’t do that. My plan was that I was going to always be alone, because I sure as hell didn’t deserve to be loved. It didn’t help that I was a queer kid getting all the messages that I was destined to be alone, disowned from everyone, die early, or any of the other things that were said over and over.
Some days I need to just take a moment and lose myself within something. It’s one of the only things that is keeping me together at the moment… and that’s barely.