Could the Grown-up Please come to the front?

I’m not sure how I am making it the next six days. It makes me feel pathetic that I am having such an awful time between sessions. I’m used to it being every week, so I’m offset by a change in routine. However, I also need to remember this in between time included Christmas with family and then a high stress work event.  I am not letting myself have the time that I need to just recharge. I took a few days off work, which I am so thankful that I did, but they aren’t helping. It doesn’t feel like enough. I am wondering if I need a day or so just by myself for the majority of it where I can completely just decompress.

I know I have not been the nicest person to be around right now. I know this for a fact and I am doing my best to keep it under all the layers I can. It keeps finding little ways to vent out though.

Yesterday, I had court. Not a big deal. Go through the main doors where there are deputies watching the metal detector and all that jazz. I have a good relationship with most of them and I should because I have to work with them a lot. Trading morning pleasantries, just like we normally do, when one who I see a good bit apparently lost his brain and he referred to me as ma’am. That doesn’t fly with me and the majority of them know that. It’s not like I’m coming dressed for court as a femme, I dress as the masculine person I am. And this one knows better, he has watched me react to that before. So, I went off on him a bit. Told him he’s replaced another of the guys on my shit list, because that’s what I do. I give them a hard time for awhile, because that’s what we do with each other.

Well, the other guy with him… I don’t have much of a working relationship with. He’s annoying and difficult, and that’s coming from the ones I do have good relationships with. He just kind of looked at me and tried to give me the whole “we greet people with respect” talk, which I have heard before. I told him that I don’t mind that at all and I understand that. I told him if he has to choose sir or ma’am he can call me sir, because that’s what I prefer. You would have thought that I asked him to grow a second head.

So later I show up for different business at the courthouse and he goes “Oh, welcome guest.” Well that set me off for a second time. I don’t normally see him at the courthouse so thank the heavens for little miracles. I asked him why he had such an issue and the man just skirted around the whole thing. I know it’s all of my other frustrations coming out and finding a target to latch onto, but that pisses me off at any time.

I saw my favourite today and I told him about it. Which, now he’s annoyed at the other one. He said to me, “Some of them just don’t get it. They just haven’t opened their minds yet.”

This guy is my favourite and he just gets it, without me ever really needing to explain to him what’s going on. I’ve known him since I was 18, so I was thrilled when I found out I would get to see him in the course of this job. He’s a great guy and not close minded.  Sometimes we need reminded that there are people who just get us, without a lot of effort. He knows me, I know him, and we have a great mutual respect for one another.

I just need to find a better outlet for all these pent up issues at the moment. They are escaping into ways that are not helpful nor are they productive. It puts the teenager completely in control and I am trying to rein him back in. Sadly, he escaped like the pent up emotions. Now, he wants to cause all the havoc he can until I am able to get my grown-up back in control.
….oh I hope the old white dude is ready for all of this.

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