Leveling the Playing Field

I hate how there are some days where I go about my day and it appears fine, but really I’m straddling two worlds. Sure, I am here in the present and doing all the things I need to do. I am also though at times somewhere else completely. This is apparently the PTSD, because I’m somewhere else in time. I go through the motions of what present day me is supposed to do, but there’s this underlying current of wherever else I am at.

Right now, it’s tinged with the teenager. Other times, it’s tinged with the little man. It depends which age group is fighting for control. The teenager is the more difficult of the two because there are a lot more complex emotions involved. He is certainly making my days difficult at the moment.

The little one, while he can be annoying, he is more worried about being abandoned and not loved. He is very simplistic in his thinking and is trying to be a good kid. He’s trying to hide these odd feelings he cannot explain and he sure as hell can’t ask about. The little one is already seeing that there’s not something kosher about what he feels inside. He’s more confused than anything because when he tries to do things he likes, it comes with some form of disapproval.

Now the teenager, he’s angry most of the time. He’s internalized everything that the little one dealt with and now with puberty screwing everything up, he’s pissed all the time. He is mad at family, society, people in general, but most of all he’s looking that his body is failing him and he hates himself. His body isn’t right. It is doing things that make every single day uncomfortable and some even unbearable. It is getting bad enough that there are days that he doesn’t even care about waking up in the morning.

Some people just brush that sort of thing off, because all bodies in puberty are a bitch. It seems that many adults forget what it was like to not have your head on straight and not always understand why. So it’s bad enough and it’s just brushed off as something you will learn to deal with. However, it’s a lot different when your body is doing the exact opposite of what you want it to you. You are waking up every morning and are hyper-aware of every change. Every tiny detail is an explosion against you, because it reminds you again that there is something wrong with you. Something isn’t right because you aren’t matching up with what you are given.  Depending on what you have learned up until now about how the people around you react to things like this, you are also hiding it within yourself. I spent years knowing but pretending that it didn’t exist. I spent years of my life hating everything about myself and believing that there was just this innate thing wrong with me. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t normal and that lead to the fear that nobody would want me if they knew the truth.

Which lands me where I am at right now. I am having such issues with my dysphoria that nothing is working right. When all of that is completely out of whack, everything else kind of flies to the wayside as well.  I’m not sure if when my grown-up lost the emotional control if the teenager brought this along with him or if it’s just me trying to ignore it right now.  I keep adjusting and policing my own movements to the point where it’s taking up too much of my focus.  I am unsure what to do with myself at the moment to not make me hate myself every time I glance in a mirror.

It is so tiring to try and bring a bit of a level playing field to this sort of fight.  There is a disconnect between what I have and what I imagine, and I try my best to try and adjust things where I can. Some days it works, others it makes me want to cry because it still isn’t right. Where are the magic wand or pills that could fix everything?

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