I’m coming down the home stretch for this week. It’s Wednesday but the goal is Thursday. If I can make it through the first two days completely and I’m starting the third, I can make it to end of workday Thursday. I’m not even looking at Friday at all. In my mind, it isn’t existing. At this point, since Friday is the 13th, maybe luck will bring me a bus to be hit by. Not really, but that’s where my mind shrugs off to.
I’m trying to keep my mind busy at work. I’m focusing on projects that I have going on and things that need to get done… And I already have the one assignment finished. At least it can’t be said that I wasn’t getting shit done. I know that I am all over the place at the moment. I am not about to try and deny that if it is called out. For the most part I am hiding just how out of control my mind is. That’s all I feel like I am able to do right now. Fake it and hope to god I make it.
My dysphoria has been awful. I think simple things like getting a haircut might give me a slight boost, but I don’t know. It’s like I can feel my hair growing and as it grows it curls. As those curls make their appearances, I hear sir a whole lot less. Which that frustrates me a lot because there are plenty of dudes with sweet curly hair. I did get a trim last night, I kind of conned my spouse into doing it. It isn’t a magic fix, but it’s like a bandaid. Getting it trimmed down gives me a little room to breathe. I also shaved my face this morning which just the act of doing that can calm me just a little, plus my stuff for that smells awesome. It’s not like I have awesome facial hair, but even without starting T, I do have a couple little dark whiskers and I like to encourage them.
I’m doing the best that I can to get myself through this. I have made it this far and I am so close to being back on schedule with my support system. Yes, I have a system in place without the old white dude, but there some things I can only talk about with him. I can’t talk about anything at work that happens with anyone but co-workers, because confidentiality. So I talk to the old white dude when I need an outsider’s point of view. And I haven’t had that.. So it’s been a little more difficult than usual.
I am not sure how tomorrow is going to go. I just am going to try and put one foot in front of the other and hope to not fall over.