I made it through to Thursday… barely. So I completely unloaded three weeks worth of shit onto the old white dude and was like,”Okay here ya go, done.” He wanted to unpack the work event, I told him there wasn’t a lot to really unpack. I can’t unpack it the way I normally would, so I’m just accepting it and moving on. Nothing else I can really do at this point. It happened, it is over, and we just shoulder it and keep moving forward.
He asked where my grown-up was. I told him that I have no idea and told him to tell me. I know the teenager is in charge. I let him be in charge, because it was a lot easier than continuously fighting. The fighting gets to be too exhausting over time. If I want to be able to focus on breathing and moving forward with my day.
I feel like I am an island here because I am not getting the intellectual stimulation that I need to give to the teenager, because then he calms down. If he is comfortable and feeling like he fits somewhere, he is calm and relaxes. I love when I am able to be passionate about things and encourage others in that… but it’s also really hard. I’m so introverted that I am afraid people will look at me oddly when I am suddenly expressive about subjects. I try to keep it all under wraps, because I don’t want to seem like I am too much for anyone to be around. So I hide it and people don’t realize the things I am completely and utterly interested in.
I try and feed the teenager with knowledge, because it gives him an outlet for a little while. If he calms down, then sometimes the grown-up is able to gain an upper hand. I haven’t even felt like doing that and I know it. It’s the same sort of reasoning as to why I’ve been shit with eating lately. I just don’t feel like it and then I forget all about it so I honestly don’t notice I haven’t eaten until like 6PM or so.
I am unsure how I am supposed to do my homework for the old white dude. I am supposed to be able to sit down with my partner and help them help me keep my grown up in control. I don’t even know where the teenager ends and the grown up begins right now. I just want to do all the destructive things that I can do and just don’t care about what happens afterwards. Old Dude told me to be good when I left his office… I told him no. I already knew what I was going to do and he didn’t need to know. Nothing was going to change my mind on that and I think that is something that scares me a little bit.
Now that I’m a legal adult, nobody thinks twice when you mention grabbing a drink or a cigarette. Simple things right? Nobody bats an eye at all really. In some ways it is like walking to the end of a diving board and doing a front flip right into the water. You can do it, people know you can do it and then they just keep going about their day. I don’t know if they would notice I didn’t come up for air.