Change is good, and bad, and everything in between

Long weekends can make or break you sometimes. It’s nice to be able to completely check out for a few days and not worry about anything beyond your front door. It also can screw with a routine which sets you off your groove.


I thrive with routine and people always make comments about how I am so bad with change. It’s not change that I’m bad with, per say. Change is a difficult topic for me and I don’t know if there is anyone around me who can understand what change means to me. Apparently in effective parenting, when it’s time to end playing video games or whatever there should be a warning. Like, ‘Okay buddy you can play for twenty more minutes’ and when it gets closer to the time reminding them, ‘Hey buddy, you have five more minutes then you need to be done, so start wrapping up.’ Helping the kid to be able to visualize time constraints, knowing where the boundaries are before moving to the next thing and not just at twenty minutes turning off the console without warning. Some kids get the twenty minutes speech and then it’s just turned off on them at exactly twenty minutes. I didn’t even get the whole you have twenty minutes. I learned that things can change in an instant and the rug gets pulled out from under you. There was no warning of when I needed to be done, I just needed to be done whenever I was told so. There was no wriggle room.


I do not do well when the rug gets pulled out from under me. It really screws with  my head a lot, but people just make fun and poke jabs. They use it against me, when it just boils down to the fact that I excel when I know exactly what is expected of me. It’s somewhat of a control issue, because then I can do exactly what is needed/wanted. It’s also self-preservation on some levels. When I am not given what is wanted and things change left and right on me, I shut down because I am waiting for the hammer to fall.  It puts me constantly on edge and then every bit of my work suffers for it.


This was why I was able to excel while I was a high school student. They told me what they wanted in specific time frames and I could easily do it. I practically slept through high school academics, unless I enjoyed the class, because it was so damned structured. It was simple and straightforward for the most part. You could attempt to create wriggle room if you needed it, without this worry that you were going to have the hammer fall upon your head.  Academics were easy then, because they just were and I knew what was expected and wanted.


College academics were a little harder, because I had to learn to be able to work within less structured environments. The way people talked about college when I was a high school student, it would make one think that college was going to be this super structured place within the classrooms. It might be in some majors, but where I ended up it really wasn’t. There was a nice ebb and flow that was natural. It was hard for me at first because I felt like I was just floating out at sea. I slowly became more and more comfortable with the process of just being given the basic parameters and needing to create everything around that. Pick a topic of your own choosing and write a twenty page paper was murder for me at first. What if I picked wrong? What if they hated everything I did with it? There were too many variables, it was overwhelming. I learned how the flows went and I had some amazing professors who kicked me off the end of the dock but had the life preserver waiting.
So I was able to work within that sort of ebb and flow environment. It wasn’t easy, but it was not as hard as it used to be. Then the rugs were being pulled out from under me left and right. Now I’m cautious when there is change, because is it just change or are people grabbing the rug and getting ready to pull again. People don’t understand this. Instead they make jabs, tell me that I just don’t deal well with change, and tell me that I had better learn to deal with it better.


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