It has all been so difficult lately. I’m sitting here, with a nightmare of a person having been sworn into the highest office in the United States. Instead of focusing on anything of substance, he’s off fighting with the media and rolling the country back years upon years. It scares me.
Here I am a young adult in America. I am a young adult that was born with a female body, who identifies as male, and is queer as fuck. I’m also a young adult who struggles with mental illness and does take medication to help with that as well as counseling. Fuck.
I’ve tried for the last two weeks to get something written, but every time I start it seems like more and more things come to the surface and distract me. I haven’t been able to turn my brain off for even a moment to breathe. I’m a blue dot in a sea of red where I am and on top of that I’m a bunch of things they don’t like.
So my mental health is bullshit.
I saw the old white dude last week and he asked me how things were going. I told him the truth, I’m using all the awful things going on in an effort to ignore my own personal things. There are plenty of things going on that I can distract myself with. It’s easier to ignore the pain and difficult feelings.
He wants me to be more honest. Honesty is hard for me. It’s difficult and it feels odd to me. Growing up, I learned to not be honest because it didn’t matter if I was or not, what I said usually wasn’t believed. I was not honest about how I felt or who I really was. I don’t know if it would have really helped me any if I was. In some ways, not being honest saved me from a lot of other problems. However, now it bites me a bit here and there. It bites me because I should be able to be honest with my spouse and my chosen family… but something holds me back. I swear, the old white dude and I went back and forth for twenty minutes about why I can’t do it easily. I told him, it’s like when you feel the hum in your hand from an electric fence before you touch it. Like you can feel the signals to your brain telling you to not do it. Then you have the choice to do it or not.
I see him this week too, but it’s just so hard lately. Every day feels like asking what the damage report is. I wake up to new bullshit and then more gets piled on during the day.
I am so exhausted already. I always have to be on guard, every second of the day. Everything I say, everything I do. I’m exhausted.