It’s so odd to me when I hear people identifying me the correct way. I have for years heard the opposite because I could never open up and say different. To hear people refer to me as he and do it without a problem, like it was that way all along, is such a freeing concept. It sometimes takes me a minute or two to realize they are actually speaking about me. I’ve gotten too used to just begrudgingly answering to all the things that never felt right.
Everything feels a little odd and surreal when things finally feel right. I don’t have to pretend it is some other way. It’s just the way it is. There doesn’t need to be layers upon layers in order to keep me safe. I get to exist without thinking, even if it is just for a moment. It still feels like I need to be constantly looking over my shoulder, especially in this political climate.
The inner struggle to push forward or go flying backwards is exceptionally strong. The way the world is right now is scary and I want to run to save myself. However, I know I cannot. I just keep thinking about the kids that are growing up around here right now, where are they going to find any sort of role models? Where are they going to turn to see that it is possible to be your actual self in this backwards area?
I also acknowledge by doing this, it is possible that I won’t have to straddle two worlds anymore. It is possible to lose my family of origin. Which I can’t decide if I am okay with it or not. The only reason why that’s never been brought up before with just being queer is because we’re a family that doesn’t talk about it. We pretend things like that don’t exist. No wonder I find it very hard to talk about a lot of different things.
I don’t try to be as hardheaded as I am, but it’s a defense that has grown up over the years without me realizing it. I usually realize how bad I am after the fact when I’m alone again in my head. But when I’m hardheaded and well, difficult, I am safer in some ways… or at least I think I am. I’m afraid to let people in. I’m afraid that if I let them in and they see who I am, they will in turn reject me like others before them.
I’m currently on a search for my big boy pants so I can pull them on, because I’m tired of being how I am. I want to be the adult that is somewhere hiding within me. He wants out and I want to let him out. I just don’t know how to do that on my own, so I’m going to try… little by little. I need to do this. I need to not have it feel odd when people properly gender me. I need to feel comfortable in the skin I’m in, because I’m kinda stuck with it. I can change some parts, but there are others that I cannot change.
I have to swing forward on these damned monkey bars of life or whatever, cause this just hanging here is killing me.