This was not what I was planning on posting, but this has been bothering me for two days now.
So yesterday was my birthday. Yea, woo, birthday. I have never really enjoyed my birthday and I have my own reasons on that.
I have spent almost all of my life doing what my family of origin wanted. I just fell into line and kept going. They do still have a pretty big control on my head, but that’s something I’m working on. Since I have never gotten to do what I wanted and have my wishes respected on my birthday, I was planning on this year being the first. I did want to feel special in my own right, but I also wanted people to respect my wishes.
… and since this has been bothering me for two days now, a group of people didn’t do that. I got wind that my office was going to tack my birthday onto another thing because the one person was not being subtle in trying to find out what kind of cupcakes I like. I asked more than once for them to not do a damned thing, I didn’t want it to be tacked on and I just didn’t want anything. I also mentioned that I don’t like chocolate cupcakes. I will eat them if I have to, but if it’s a choice for me.. I’m not choosing a chocolate based cupcake.
They did it anyway.
They tried to sing and I literally walked out of the room. They made me come back because it “wasn’t fair” for me to make people wait. I wouldn’t blow out the candle, because I am super pissed at this point, so I put it out with my fingers. The cupcakes they got me? Mainly chocolate. Well, I’m not eating them.
I was told I had to open my card and my ‘gift’. The card, I would have loved to get this card from any of my queer friends, because it’s a great card. It’s got sheep on the front and one of them is rainbow and glitter. Seriously, it’s a sweet card. However, coming from them? It felt like they found a queer card and because I’m the token, they got it for me. It just… It didn’t feel right on so many levels.
The gift? Sour Patch Kids. Now, I do love sour patch kids… but I have a feeling that is what I got because, nobody at my office currently really knows what I like. Sad thing? I can give examples of differing things that others like. Hell, I was told once what kind of liquor someone really likes and I still remember it. I can remember their usual lunch orders from various places in town. What made me even more upset was when I was handed my gift and card, it was by the one person who I told more than once I didn’t want anything. While she’s handing me this bag, she is just smirking like she’s so wonderful and perfect.
I said again I really didn’t want them to do anything and I was told I wasn’t allowed to ignore my birthday when nobody else gets to. They kept thinking I didn’t like my birthday for different reasons such as getting older. I was not about to tell them that no, I didn’t want this because I wanted to be respected about my birthday for a change. I felt guilted and manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do, which sent my head straight back to when I was little. My homework for this week was to give my inner-self a birthday that he would really want. That pretty much clouded it because it took me straight back to being little and being forced to do all the things I didn’t want to do. That’s not a fun experience and a couple of my friends got the full force of that because all I could do was text them or I was going to cry in anger at my desk.
This seems petty and I totally acknowledge that. It is also a very childlike way of thinking and I also know that. While it is petty and childish in some ways, the emotions I currently feel about it are also very real. I’m actually letting myself feel what is actually there. Some of my anger is an attempt to hide what is under the surface which is a deep sense of hurt, upset, and a very primal sadness. It makes me feel like I can never do or be what I want, because everyone else has these things I “need” to do.
I did spend my actual birthday doing things I wanted. I played Pokemon Go while my spouse did a little bit of work. I ate a banging breakfast for lunch, seriously.. So good. I went to a local winery and just enjoyed the drive with my spouse. I just enjoyed myself. Even better? Nobody from my family of origin talked to me or called me or told me happy birthday in any way. Some people would be upset by that, but I’m oddly not. My chosen family told me happy birthday.
I am hoping next year I can do all the things I want for my birthday and not having to worry that someone isn’t going to respect my wishes. I just want to be myself and have people respect that. It’s small things.