Honesty. I am so very, very bad at being honest and open with people. I learned way too early that for me being honest was not going to amount to anything good at all. It was just going to hurt me in the end. However, I am trying something different. It hurts like hell too.
I am trying to be open and honest, not just with my thoughts but also with my emotions. I really do not enjoy that second half. I have worked for years to perfect my defenses against true emotion. I didn’t want to feel the things I felt, so I ignored them and didn’t give them the attention they probably deserved. I did not want them to be real, so I wouldn’t let them be real. The adults around me growing up were telling me that I couldn’t actually be feeling what I did, so I let that in and essentially let them gaslight me early. Once that took hold, it just kept going throughout the rest of my childhood and adolescence. It has a mind of it’s own at this point.
I don’t like to show the emotions that are real, they are the ones I keep shoving below the surface. There is a part of me that disassociates when it comes to things that are real and true. I don’t want to see them, I don’t want to feel them. I put them in boxes and try to continue on without them. It’s taken a lot of energy out of me. When those boxes open? That’s a whole ugly mess. One that I’m working on cleaning up bit by bit now.
I have a fear of being true. I learned how to hide what I knew to be true, because it wasn’t allowed. It was not something that was going to be accepted so I made it go away. The reactions of those around me to things that were similar to my truth made me feel like there was something wrong with me, something that was making them love me less. No matter what I was doing, it never felt like enough to please them. Which, those feelings led me down the rabbit hole I’m trying to dig my way out of right now. It’s really not easy. Especially when I am afraid that being honest, to myself and to others, is going to cause me to lose everything in the end.
My mind is not a pretty place. It’s boxed up and all my life, I’ve just been making sure there is enough tape on the boxes. I don’t want things to get out, because I’m afraid of how they will be taken. Even when people don’t follow the pattern I am used to and they show me over and over that they care about me… I’m just feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m trying my hardest to, for lack of better terms, grow up. Intellectually, I’m pretty fine.. But damnit I am so screwed up emotionally. I think in very childlike terms because I never had an ability for them to grow with my physical body. I forced myself to be more adult before I should have. It was the easiest way to deal with the life around me. If I removed emotion and just pressed on, they left me alone. Any time I did express emotion that those around me didn’t agree with, I wasn’t allowed to express it. Here I am at 27, still terrified to express how I really feel.
I know what I need right now. I need to be honest with someone I trust. Someone I care about. Someone who I know will not run if I breakdown and cry. There are very few people who I can trust when I’m a bundle of emotion, and I do trust them implicitly. However, while the adult in me knows I need this, the child in me is making as many excuses as he can. The child is afraid. He is terrified that he isn’t worth it and he is not special. Why would these people want to take any time at all when they have such busy lives? So I’m fighting with the little kid and the adult in my head. I’m not sure who is going to win right now, I don’t know if I want to know.
…This honesty and emotion stuff is hard