And I Thought I Was So Smart

Building off something I said yesterday, I know what my inner child really needs.  He needs an adult who is safe. He needs an adult who cares about him. He wants to be honest and just talk and feel as though he is being heard completely. He’s absolutely terrified of this need. I am honestly scared that I am admitting to myself and even a friend that this is what I need. I have never wanted to admit that I need that sort of safety and comfort.  It scares me.

 

It’s a different kind of adult, a different kind of safety and comfort than what I can get from my spouse. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just something on a different level. It’s something my inner child wants, well wants is not the right word choice… craves. Yea, craves is actually a better descriptor.  The fact that I know that, scares me. I never allowed myself to feel this need before. It makes me feel weak in some ways, which confuses me. Emotions made me weak, so if I admit now that I have them and I need to acknowledge them, it’s like losing all that strength I built up for years. That scares me too.

 

I was talking to a friend and I admitted to them that I knew I needed that kind of conversation. They told me to go ahead and ask for it, arrange it and get what I need. Instantly my brain when into all the different excuses why that isn’t a possibility. The child in me doesn’t feel like he matters. Because the people I would ask could be too busy, find me annoying/a bother, or just don’t want to deal with me. I fear that I would take away from time that is their own, I could take away from other people that need them way more than I do. I don’t feel like I deserve that sort of attention and it comes out that I don’t believe I deserve special attention. To me, even just basic conversations full of truth are special attention and I don’t deserve that. I honestly believe that I’m not special, I don’t matter. When I let my little one run amok in my head, this is where I end up. I come to the conclusion that I am not deserving of any attention.

 

It always seemed safer and more secure for me to withdraw and run away. To just stay where I was. Even if it was or is more painful for me to do that, it gave some sense of safety because I knew what to expect. I knew what would happen if I remained the way I did, I knew how to tolerate the rest. As long as I had certainty, which I did if I stayed as I was, I could feel safe in some messed up way.  Changing things up, causes uncertainty, which then throws me for a loop.  The unknown is scary, it makes me act out in various ways and it causes me to exert a lot of energy into control. I have to control the situation or I feel so very unsafe.

 

Nothing will ever change unless I feel safe. I have to allow myself to feel safe with those I trust. That’s hard. On one hand I want to do it, on the other I know how to exist in the world I created.

 

I know there are people that care about me. I know there are people who accept me as I am without any problem. They just accept me. I don’t have to explain myself to them, they just accept me as I am. I don’t know how to let them in so they could help me. I can’t do all of this on my own and it’s so hard for me to trust people with this sort of thing. I feel like I’m hanging onto these damned metaphoric monkey bars with one hand and I’m looking for the net under me. I think I can see the net, but I’m afraid it’s a figment of my imagination.

 

When I think I’m doing okay and like I could reach out, the little kid in me comes screaming to the front that it’s not safe. I get so frustrated with myself because I feel like I’m going round and round in circles. Once I find myself in the cycle of that, I can’t reach out because I fear if I reach out my hand will just get smacked because it’s something I should be able to deal with and take care of on my own.  I end up thinking that nothing will matter because I am 27, I should be able to take care of myself and I shouldn’t be falling back into the habits I am. I’m struggling. I’m struggling harder than I have in a little while.  I have to keep making sure that I’m not diving head first into habits I would rather not see again.

 

I’ll do whatever it takes and I’m making a million mistakes, but I am trying oh so hard to make the world safe and sound for me and perhaps in turn for those that follow. I am bleeding and fighting, just trying to make the world right for the little one in me who is afraid of everything.

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