I have never felt so empty or alone.
I was supposed to reach out. I was supposed to make contact with people I trusted who have supported me. Let me have enough time to catch my feet and move move forward in other ways. Let me know I can bounce back.
I’m bad at this.
Actually, I’m pretty horrific at this.
I always have fear of asking for help. It takes a lot out of me to even start thinking I need to ask. Then I build myself up. And, if all goes to plan… I am sometimes able to choke my fear and ask.
I am still very bad at this.
There are times I will start, but hit the abort button halfway through it.
I wish I would have done that.
I bit my tongue because I wanted to believe in people. I wanted to believe that on some level I do matter. I wanted to trust.
…My fears were confirmed.
I’m not a disappointment, but the fact I am here in the area I’m in.. that’s disappointing. I’m also “stuck” now because my spouse has a job they love and one they are loved at. This is apparently a bad thing.
I hear words coming out of their mouth and perhaps my brain just stopped listening… or perhaps I did hear what I thought I did and I’m begging inside for it not to be true.
I am no longer in X place in my life, so they cannot be of help. Nobody in that section can be of help. I just need to like myself or something. I just need to get better.
I trusted them. I respected them. I put a bit of my faith in humanity in them.
…I am empty.
I thought I had made so much progress in a year’s time. I was starting to unhook some things in my mind. I was not always feeling safe, but I had a better footing.
I am not safe now. I am not trusting. I am not okay.
The worst part? I can feel the little one inside me crying out… cause he thinks that once again, he is not good enough. He thinks he cannot be loved or cared about. He wanted to see the good. He wanted to feel the warmth of the sun. I think that’s the biggest slap, because he had hope.
…Hope is such a dangerous thing.