The Shadow is Cast

I need to like myself?


Now damnit, I have worked very hard to like as much of me as I can at any given moment. Do I really dislike parts of me? Yea, sure. Who doesn’t? Is half of it a warped reality? Oh yea, I know that too. Do I like myself 100%, 100% of the time? No. Do I ever expect to? Nope.


I like parts of my physical being. There are parts I don’t like, and some of that pulls back into a sense of dysphoria. I am working the best I can around that. Some days are easier than others, but in general I can handle it. It has taken me quite awhile to get where I am, but it really isn’t as bad as it could be. I take the physical a day at a time.


I really dislike parts of how my brain works. I hate how it gets caught in loops. I hate how I always overthink everything. I hate how my brain assumes the worst 95% of the time. I hate the flashbacks and regressions. I hate how my brain guilts me into thinking having emotions isn’t okay or that my emotions cannot be real.  I hate how my brain convinces me that I cannot be deserving of attention or affection, though with this case in point I wonder why my brain fixates on that. Can I fix these things by liking myself? From where I’m standing… no.


I need the help of others to start working on rewiring my brain. I cannot do this alone. Little by little, with people supporting me I can work on seeing things as they do and not through a lens of trauma.  Sure, I’m going to be carrying the majority of the work on that but I need breathers too. I don’t know what it’s like to like certain parts of me and there isn’t just a magic wand that changes that. How am I supposed to learn that without being able to see how others look at me? How can I work on screwing with my stuck points if I don’t get evidence that is against what they are? Only way to get that evidence is with others, it cannot be done alone.


Telling someone they need to just like themselves to me is like telling a person it’s all in their head. How is that supposed to help a damned thing? Why would you tell someone that they just need to like themselves or that they just need to get out of an area and everything will be fine. A geographical cure can work for some people, but not everyone has the resources to do that.


And to tell someone who finally is a little more stable because both people have jobs and the one has one they are amazing at, that they are just stuck now. That’s offensive. I have struggled, they have struggled and now we have employment and we enjoy it. I don’t always love my job, but I’m good at it and I’m making a difference. My spouse is amazing at their job and they love it. I have never seen them happier going to work in the morning than I do now.  We are in a little community and honestly with the work both of us are doing, we could make a difference for the better. We could bring some of these people out of the shadows and let the diversity that is hidden shine.


To be disappointed that I’m “stuck” now? That’s an opinion of you. I don’t believe I’m stuck. Sure, I wanted to go out and about in the world, but I also have never had the resources to do it. I made do with what I had. Guess what, I made it work with what I have and I’m honestly content about it. I found amazing people to work with, a doctor I don’t hate who I trust, and an amazing man to help me start working on everything in my head.


When I went and talked to the person who has now severely screwed up my head, I wasn’t looking for this superhuman person with all these powers. I was looking to talk to someone I trusted. I was looking to remind myself there have been people who have supported me. I wasn’t expecting a lot nor was I expecting that they would be able to even do a lot to ‘help’ me. I needed to just talk with someone I trusted and let the little kid breathe a moment. I thought maybe I would take some of what the old white dude said and apply it. I thought okay, I will go where I trust and feel safe and let the little one exist and maybe he can tell me what he needs.


The opposite happened. I am angry. I am bitter and petty. I am so immensely hurt. I hurt more because the little one in me feels rejected and like he was struck. I feel responsible too because I am trying to get to a place where the little one realizes that I’m not here to hurt him, but I went and did something that ended up hurting him and myself. I do not know how I will ever talk with this person again at the moment. I might not. I might suck it all in and cut as much as I can of them from my memory. It won’t be the first time I have done that with a person.


I am still feeling immensely empty. I have not had a feeling like this that is so strong I can physically feel it in awhile. I do not want it to turn to the type of bitterness I hold toward other people. I had trusted this person since I was 19 and for me, 8 years is a really, really long time for me to be able to trust someone. I do not want to be turning the hurt I feel now into the level of bitterness that I could turn it into. I am bitter now, yes, but it is more of a general bitterness that goes with the pettiness I’m also feeling.  I do not want it to get to a point where I have a physical/emotional reaction every time I hear their name or see them.


My old white dude is going to have his work cut out for him this week. I don’t know if I am going to be ready for it, but I am going to do it. In a year’s time, I have never lied to him nor have I completely avoided things. I don’t plan on starting the next year with him doing that.
A day at a time, just little by little.


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