I made that phone call and will be meeting with that person later this week. I’m terrified, but I feel a lot better after talking it over with Uncle. He really put me at ease and made me laugh. Said he’d even write me a recommendation letter so that maybe my meeting will go easier.
… I’m gonna miss him. I have spent a year talking with him and learning how to be honest with others. We spent a lot of time together talking, just talking. It wasn’t me doing all the talking either. We kept things in a give and take sort of flow. Both of us learned how to be more honest and genuine. It’s been interesting thinking about all the different ways we have gotten to know one another. Thinking about it and just listening to how he talked about them made me feel just, special and privileged. Great ego stroke for me. No, it just really made me feel good because I helped him as much as he helped me. If I came up on Fridays, when I could get out of work early, he would make sure to make me feel welcomed to join the game they would play every Friday. I wouldn’t feel like an outsider and I was able to laugh and exist. Watching him and the others on those days was uplifting. I think that’s when he would smile the most because he liked to get competitive and stoke the fires of some people who are even more competitive.
One of the biggest things Uncle did for me was validate me and my identity every chance he could. He always made sure, once I told him, to make sure my pronouns were right and he openly used them. If he didn’t use masculine, which was rare, he would not use femme ones. I was so proud that he worked so hard to make sure he got everything right. Not just with me, but with others. He wanted to be considerate and making sure he wasn’t making someone uncomfortable. I’m just another fella to him and that he sees me that way, does more for me than anything else. I am able to feel comfortable in my skin around him. I don’t police everything I do around him. I exist.
I hadn’t thought about it, but I’ve kind of been using him as one of my male role models as I try to learn how exist within that masculine sphere. Like when crossing streets, just stand tall and walk like a man; don’t run, just walk. Which is something he’s told me in just a random conversation. He’s one of the few male role models that I can be honest with my identity about. Others, they can be great influences, but I can’t let them know that. I could with Uncle. Welp, those were feelings I didn’t need to have today.
I was able to be honest. I was able to be genuine and raw. It’s not something I do a lot of, but I worked very hard to do it. He joked that at the beginning of our talks I was much more of a grumpy guy and trying to put some form of a mask on. However, that mellowed out and we both stopped putting up the masks we had on for others.
I do feel better about talking to the person I’ve been terrified of for a month now. I’m still scared and anxious, but I feel a little better. I swear if they have gotten a ‘recommendation letter’ from Uncle I’m just going to laugh for days. I could see it happening. Which is what makes it more ridiculous and makes me wish he’d do it. I am worried about actually being the adult and working on a repair of the breach that exists. It’s very unknown territory for me and I am unsure if my map is correct for navigating it.
I am not allowed to take any of my anxiety meds before that meeting either, so when I see old white dude following it and I’m losing my mind, it’s his fault. But the timing is great since that is supposed to be at 2PM and I see the crazy man at 4PM.
I am currently trying to get my head wrapped around my bullet points for this talk, which was my assignment for the week beyond making my phone call. I’m just not allowed to attempt to plan the last part because I can’t know how the other side will respond.
..it isn’t going to be an easy week.