A Dark World Aches for a Splash of the Sun

It has been a bit of time since I sat down and attempted to put words on a page about what I think and feel. It’s not been an easy time. I am still exceptionally hurt and sadly I think it’s going to fall to me to give a bid to the other party. I don’t want this breach to continue. I need to know if it can be fixed or if I should work on making the hurt inside me less painful.

 

I was at an event with the other half of this whole thing and I attempted to pretend things were fine. I was hoping they would be the one to put forth the bid, the whole “We need to talk” conversation. Just the bid. I did my best to just, exist and keep it from everyone else. I don’t know how well I did with most of the group, but I know I felt the ice. I felt it creeping in and around me. No conversation, no real eye contact.

 

So, with that in mind I have new homework this week from my old white dude. In this relationship with the breach, I am not the one who holds the majority of the power because it’s not a relationship between equals.  It never has been. I’m the more vulnerable one here and now I have to be even more and I have to put forth the bid. I have to find this courage to ask this person, “Can we talk?” I don’t want to, because it scares me and I’m super uncomfortable. I don’t know how to do relationship repair. I have figured it out with my spouse, but I do not have the tools to do it with others. I’m terrified. I’m afraid on so many levels, because what if it goes horribly wrong? What if this relationship is only important to one side? It’s been such a formative relationship for me, that the idea of it being broken and gone is crushing. I am so lost.

 

Something that kind of compounds all of this hurt, is that when I had the last conversation with this person, I am unsure and could be wrong… but I felt misgendered. It could be just how my brain was reacting and hearing as it completely shut down. My brain keeps circling back and trying to focus on that which isn’t helping me at all.

 

I haven’t actually told many people about the breach at all. It’s not something that needs to be mentioned. I told my old white dude because I tell him everything and this is really fucking me up. I ended up telling, let’s call him Uncle to give him a name, because he noticed that something wasn’t right one of the times I saw him. I’ve been making an effort this past year to be more honest and when I could tell he wasn’t letting me get away with it… I told him. I think it was a lot harder to tell Uncle rather than Old White Dude because he’s seen a lot and knows a lot, more than he lets on usually. I’ve allowed myself to be very vulnerable with him and I am very glad I have. Our relationship isn’t one of peers per say, but it’s a lot closer to a more even keel. We both give and take. I cherish the talks I’ve had with him and I do know for a fact that he’s enjoyed them as well. I know because he told me and I’m not used to knowing that sort of thing.

 

It’s been a very, very hard couple weeks in some ways and that’s not even taking on what’s going on in the world. This is just what’s in my own bubble. I am mentally stable at the moment, but I am not “better” and I might never be entirely “okay,” but currently I am stable. I am trying to be more and more open about various parts because if not me, then who? It’s okay to have mental health issues. It happens to more than we think, but we always hide it in the shadows. That’s not helpful. Until I started talking, it made me feel so much more alone than I already felt.

So I guess I’m going to try and find this courage I supposedly have and I’m going to attempt a bid. I’m afraid of what the answer might be, but I am at least going to try and put the bid out there. What the other half does with it is beyond me, but I need to put it out there. 

I will not lie. I am afraid. I am being honest and I am afraid that if it goes bad, I won’t be very good at all. It’s scary to me and I hate to admit I am afraid or scared or anything like that. But I am. I am very scared.

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