It’s Hard, But It’s Harder to Ignore It

I’ve written this over the past week, so it’s fragmented and messy.. And I don’t feel like really fixing it up to make a lot more sense.

 

I got to see Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 last week when it opened. I rarely go on opening night, but I had the chance so I went. I love Marvel movies. And these in particular, Vol 1 and 2 have amazing soundtracks. I know the majority of the songs because that’s what I heard growing up. That’s all my parents of origin listened to. I used to be very good at knowing songs and artists within the first couple bars of a song. I’m not as good now, but I’m getting better again.

 

So, the Cat Stevens song “Father and Son” is on this soundtrack. So, I’ve been fighting with various songs from the film getting very much stuck in my head (looking at you ‘Brandy’) so I’ve been trying to get them out. I listened to “Father and Son” and that’s dropped me into a rabbit hole I forgot existed.

 

“If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out” is a song I forgot existed. I wish I hadn’t, because it makes me feel a little better inside. I can do whatever I want. I can be me, I can say yes, I can say no. Which is what I need to focus on a little more. I am not held by strings to my family of origin, who have imposed upon me their thoughts and feelings for years. I am able to be who I am, just as I am. Even though I’ve been having issues with that and will continue to do so while I learn and heal.

 

As I work my way through the Cat Stevens songs I know, I’m trying to build up courage.

 

“Wild World,” “Peace Train,” and “Morning has Broken.” All songs I know. All songs I have heard before. They drop me into a different kind of mindscape. Music has always done that for me. I can do anything within music. I can find you music for whatever you so desire. I like obscure, I like mainstream, I like old, and I like new. I like what touches me. I like what makes me think. I like what makes me get lost.


And courage I did build. I somehow, still not sure how, I did manage to send off a bid via email Tuesday afternoon. I asked if we could talk. Course, following that, anytime my email notification would go off, I would practically jump out of my skin.

 

…but I did get a response.

 

I got one in under two hours. It told me to get in touch with them in a couple days and we shall see what the possibilities are.

 

I knew the Old White Dude was going to have a field day with me Thursday. Because  I need to figure out how I would even talk to them. Part of me is glad to get a positive response, but another part of me wanted a negative response because then I wouldn’t have to do this next portion. I wouldn’t have to talk to them, but now I do. I have no idea how to do this. Which causes more panic.  And so I just went into my appointment [after a really, really stressful day] and it was… rough. It was difficult and made me a little more anxious. However, I do feel a little better because I can somewhat see the bullet points I want to make. The ones I need to make.

 

I’m terrified. I honestly am. I hate admitting that.

 

I need to do this. This has fucked me up for a month. It’s been taking one hell of a toll on my mental health and it keeps bleeding into things. To make it worse, I’ve been keeping it so hidden. I keep dancing around the subject. I don’t get into it. I deflect, I sidestep, and then distract.

 

I was supposed to meet up with someone after my old white dude appointment last night. Went to where we were going to meet and there was a note saying we’d need to reschedule. I totally get it and that’s honestly not a problem with me at all. There’s a lot of stuff going on for a lot of people right now, this is never an easy time of year. I will admit though, I may have just sat right the hell down and practically cried because it had been that kind of day. It was just, so very overwhelming and I couldn’t get it to stop. Made me feel like something was wrong with me, but I know it was just everything crashing at once. I had taken one of my anxiety meds earlier in the day, but I didn’t take another later so just the entire day crashed at once.

 

….so I went off to the pub because I worked out in my brain all the different things I could do and once the ‘good’ things didn’t work I knew I needed to list the ‘bad’ things. Beer and Pie fixes a lot of things as long as I don’t overdo the first part.

 

It let me calm down and settle for a bit. Thankfully I am usually able to cut myself off when I need to and before I go way too far. Which, I was able to do last night. I needed to slow my brain down and it worked. I try not to do it that way too often and I am getting better at other options. I also always love that particular drinking hole because I know I get to be me there, no matter what. It’s safe. Because it’s safe, I’m better at being responsible with myself.
I need to go make a phone call. I need to do it sober like the old white dude said. This is what I get for joking about being not sober in some way, I get legit told that I have to be sober because that makes it honest.

 

Damnit.

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