Working in a Paradox

You know that it is time to get out of a place when you make the realization that the place you are in is going to lead you to places you can’t come back from. I was telling my Old White Dude this and he said simply, “So, it’s balancing on an edge. Either kill yourself or kill the job.” That is exactly what it is. I can no longer be in this place. I can no longer be where I am constantly put down, misgendered, and have my skills ignored. I have clients who are suffering due to changes in structure and some who are telling me they are never coming back. That’s not good in my line of work.

 

So I’m currently looking. I’m applying. I am getting the fuck out. Because if I stay here, I am going to have to go away for a little bit and I told my Old White Dude that. That’s how he knows how bad this is right now. I’ve always been afraid of being sent away, which I have brought up a few times when I have been really bad, and here I am telling him that I will sign myself away if I cannot get out of here. I am honest to God willing to send myself to a mental health unit if I don’t get out of here. I even told my spouse that, and they know my fear of going away. I am to a point that I am willing to do it because I know what will happen if I have to stay in this job and I can’t get out.

 

I need to take care of myself and part of that is not staying at a place that drives me to a breaking point on a regular basis. I cannot stay here and completely lose myself. It’s bad enough that they think they are doing good things but what they are actually doing is doing all the things they know will send me up a wall. They do what they know will set me off and then sit back and watch. It’s to the point where I don’t even try to correct them when they misgender me. I don’t call them out when I am noticing they just avoid pronouns, even just within the office. If I pay attention to it… everything gets worse and feels worse. So, I can’t do it.  I am just losing my sense of self and I’m going to try and keep surviving until I can get out.

 

I am basically living a paradox at my workplace. We are supposed to help people not be in shit situtations.. Instead I am abused and driven to the complete edge. By my employer and then told I am not doing good enough.  I am told that I need to do better when I’m already running ragged.

 

It makes me want to die.

 

And then spite kicks in. I get bitter and I get petty. I don’t want them to win. I want to win. For me to win, I need out.

 

…so I’m getting out. Somehow, someway, I am completely over this.

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